I come here….troubled…. I have no desire to give up writing…no…of course not. By the same token however…I have “lost steam”. I have not written to speak of in weeks– probably longer. Disillusionment is only a small part of it– Kindle’s Draconian payment model (You don’t have an established fan base to bring to us? We don’t do ANY advertising for you. Period.) isn’t THAT depressing. There are other places to sell books I’m sure. To get this out into the open, I do know that at least a very small part of the problem is a four letter word in this life– work. It’s not something that I signed up for as I was coming out of the chute. Be that as it may…the other side of the coin is that the old adage is true: There is no such thing as a free lunch.
I was under the impression that reading the book that I may have hinted at before has been distracting. More to the point…it was not “Reader’s Digest”. To really absorb the material took full concentration such that reading the book again is so much easier the second time around. ….but still I don’t write. The book (and reading it) is not the issue either.
I think that the base problem is two-fold. The first (and more minor) issue is– fear of being wrong/disliked as a writer. To a certain point at least this is normal and must be
surmounted. I’m not all that worried about that….that’s at least fairly straightforward. Shut up and do it anyway (write the damn story).
this is it….this is why I came….. The base issue is that in order to write a story– any story– one must have more than an interest in but a raw FEELING about a given subject. If
people really wanted facts they would read the almanac or a technical journal. Feelings are messy…they are inconvenient in Peter’s sterile world…. When I really think about it…to
truly feel means that I have to “let go”. Ultimately, that is the problem. For in letting go, that means that I lose control.
Control is everything…..
After pondering the question for several moments, I don’t know. There are many other little reasons but this might be it…. I keep thinking that if I relinquish control, I will lose
who I am (who Peter is). I will lose my self just as those who talk too much believe that if they stop talking, they will cease to exist.
Time to turn feelings on.
Fear sets in…. In delving into feelings– what if I have a perfectly good feeling in the middle of rush hour traffic? I might lose control– of the car– and crash. ….maybe not….
Until proven otherwise– real or fancied– the fear exists.
To get where I want to go…I’m going to have to turn them on again (in stages I thing, but at this point baby steps are better than no steps). Time to turn feelings back on again– and stay away from Facebook. It makes me thing too much. How does the saying go? Paralysis by analysis…….