Journaling (or Not)…..

3/26/17   I’m starting this page largely for myself, partly so that my readers will know that I’m not dead– not quite yet anyway– and partly to sort some things out…..

I haven’t prayed in a long time– months even I can only guess– and I suspect that my life (or at least my life’s direction) is suffering for it…..

Let me back up…. I hadn’t prayed in a long time and I remember driving down the street trying to do life “my” way. I was living my life by “doing the next right thing” as best I could and…I missed a traffic light. At the time I was a little annoyed but, I figured it was God trying to get me to learn to not have such a lead foot. Okaaaay….meaning I “put up with it”….instead of trying to learn something from it (I guess)….. Then I miss the next traffic light….then I start getting a little angry. Maybe I was late to where I was going…I don’t even remember now it was at least a couple of weeks ago…..but Peter not getting his way was interfering with his serenity…. And then….I missed the third traffic light in a row and rather distinctly I remember shouting:

Now you know why I don’t want to talk to your ass!!!”

Maybe….probably….God was trying to show or teach me something at the time….so one would assume. And I cut God off because I wasn’t “getting my way”….. Seems a little stupid now….

Isn’t that the question now? Why do I resist GOD? After thinking about that question for a few moments, the age old answer is the same….

If God’s way it better, and — at least in some way– if Peter will PERSONALLY profit from doing God’s will instead of Peter’s will….then why does Peter keep doing Peter’s will instead of God’s???

  • Because Peter didn’t think of whatever God’s Will was FIRST.

Acceptance….. As much as I hate it (most of the time)….acceptance of this at least appears to be the only answer….. In today’s prayer….”control what I can and ignore the rest”…..

  • God knows better than I do….and I must accept that that is just the way it is.
  • Like we used to say at one of my previous positions– It Is What It Is…..

If I can get over this ONE hump….maybe my life will start moving forward again…..

Now to the guts of it…’s prayer and meditation…..

“God” (whatever that is) is saying that I was pissing my life away. No shit? I play computer games too much. In the end, other than relaxing me when I win a game or situation, they really accomplish nothing.

In today, people appreciate what I do and I don’t need to scrap everything and start all over again…..

Hidden challenges– I am resisting change (God, or both)….. That is what is keeping me from moving forward in life…..

After further thought… “obstacles” are that I have passed judgment (past tense) over something in my life….what it is I do not yet know…. To a certain point on a different sheet of music… prayer life seemingly could be so much more– IF I were to take the time to learn how to pray….communicate with God… truly understand whatever it is that God is saying……

Other people think that I need to look deeper….this is not what it seems…..and that I need to calm down and take action to get back in control– however slightly– of Peter’s life. Respond, do not react.

In this meditation…..stop ignoring the “synchronicities” (signals?) that are trying to show/lead the way. Stop doubting myself.

In the end…..the end (of near future events?) is to be careful that I am not over-focusing on my love life or other relationships too much….

3/28 Sometimes its downright amazing how fast prayer and medication come back after having been away for so long. Today’s session was about “you’re on to something”, get back to work”, and “don’t play computer games so much”. You will have a real beginning going on if you do…..